On Easter

Yesterday I was thinking about how much I missed the pomp of dressing up for Easter church. But I think I just miss believing in something.

I wish I could. It was easier to explain monumental happenings with kitschy platitudes.

28

This year I haven't dreaded my birthday like I have in years past. Today I will celebrate my health, eat yummy food with wonderful people, and take a birthday nap (it's tradition!) Then I might follow up all of that with a wind-down birthday bubble bath and a glass of wine. Cheers to another year in the books. I have big things planned for my 28th year on this earth. I'm hopeful and excited to see where I'm headed next.

Feeling three today

"What they don’t understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you’re eleven, you’re also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don’t. You open your eyes and everything’s just like yesterday, only it’s today. And you don’t feel eleven at all. You feel like you’re still ten. And you are—underneath the year that makes you eleven.

Like some days you might say something stupid, and that’s the part of you that’s still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama’s lap because you’re scared, and that’s the part of you that’s five. And maybe one day when you’re all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you’re three, and that’s okay. That’s what I tell Mama when she’s sad and needs to cry. Maybe she’s feeling three.

Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That’s how being eleven years old is."

Eleven by Sandra Cisneros

Lucky

Things have not gone my way lately. I had big plans that fell through. My jaw is sore from clenching my teeth in my sleep. The ebbs and flows of my days have been off-kilter, and I have not felt much like myself. I have known the pain of rejection, professionally and personally. I am answering hard questions about the course my life will take now that I am no longer married. I have felt-- and then felt shame for feeling-- a huge span of the rawest of human emotions: desire, rage, fear, worthlessness, joy.

Last night after a long weekend of friends and roller derby and trying to push through East of Eden (still wondering if a plot ever develops), I found myself in bed with Tater snuggled next to me, snoring rhythmically.

I thought to myself, I can't believe he's mine. 

I thought about how I wouldn't have adopted him had I not moved into this townhouse.

I thought about how I wouldn't have moved into this townhouse if my best friend hadn't bailed on me the week before we were to move into an apartment across town (this friendship, sadly, is no more.)

I thought about how I wouldn't have needed an apartment if I hadn't packed my bag that July afternoon and left my husband for the last time.

I thought that just maybe, despite my broken plans, I was exactly where I was supposed to be last night. I was in bed, snuggling with my brown-eyed furry guy who shows his teeth when he smiles and never grows tired of his squeaky pig or his ice cream toy.

He is the physical embodiment of all those plans that fell through. He is the culmination of all those disappointments and really hard days. He is always excited to see me.

One day I hope to finally see the dream of moving to Savannah realized. I hope I figure out what I want to do when I grow up sooner rather than later. But I closed my eyes last night knowing that, for now, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and for that reason I feel very lucky.

Stuff I WILL NOT DO in 2014

via

This is quite premature, I realize, but I haven't been blogging lately, and when inspiration hits, I guess you roll with it.

I'm sick of making the same list of resolutions over and over: eat more spinach, be a better friend, do more yoga, blah blah blah... I mean, I want to do all of those things all the time, so they don't exactly count as New Year's resolutions, in my humble opinion. And this is my blog, so my humble opinion matters in this case. Here's some stuff I will try really hard not to do in 2014:

1. Include an obligatory "How are you?" when greeting someone. 

No more. If I don't care how you are, or can't give you the time you deserve to tell me about your sick grandma or your new job or your dream house in the Alps, I'm not going to ask. You deserve that time. Alternatively, I will try a little extra hard to meet my closest friends for coffee more often and really listen to them talk about their career endeavors and cranky children and recent culinary accomplishments.

2. Stuff my schedule like a Thanksgiving turkey. 

Looking at the next four weeks on the calendar physically makes me a little nauseous. Derby, derby, derby, friends, Christmas party, volunteer work, real work, another Christmas party, freelance design, more derby, holiday... I love all of these things, but spreading myself so thin means that all of my commitments are only getting part of me. I mean, I get that I'm young and I should be at the bar four nights a week wearing sequins and dancing (so much pressure!) but it's just not realistic. I'm young and I have a career. In lieu of this, I'm going to start using an actual, physical planner to space out my plans, and I will actually schedule in time at home, doing laundry, playing with Tater... those things deserve my attention, too.

3. Call myself a trainwreck.

If you've been following this blog for any amount of time or if you know me outside of the interwebz, you know that I do this constantly. I'm kinda figuring life out right now. I'm single, I'm happy, I'm surrounded by people who love me to pieces and a derby team that calls me on my crap but also reminds me how far I've come. I am not a trainwreck. I'm just experiencing life, like the rest of you, from the underside of the cross-stitch. I'm just not afraid to admit it.

This past year, calling myself by this terribly derogatory name has given me some wiggle room to figure things out without a lot of pressure. But here I am, on the other side of my abusive marriage, skating three times a week with twenty of my closest friends, sketching and doodling more than I ever have... I've found some clarity that I didn't have twelve months ago.

I think by "I'm a trainwreck" I really was just trying to say "I'm human and I'm trying to figure this thing out!"

From now on, I'll just say that instead.

No promises, though.

Two very important lessons I learned in year 25.

I turned 26 at 12:01 p.m. yesterday. The last year has been about growing and learning, and I want to share some things with you that have challenged me and my thoughts on each.

Nails are "Black Leopard" wraps from www.jammingwithaudrey.com
Mug from Marthe Pinaire on Etsy.

1. You find out who your friends are. This year has by far been one of the toughest of my life, and I can honestly say, the friends that couldn't swing it fell by the wayside. It hurt. It shook me in a way I wasn't expecting. There is absolutely nothing like that feeling you get as you're untying that anchor from your foot, though. Saying goodbye can be a good thing. Part of figuring out who I am means saying no to things and people that don't make me happy anymore. I have done this time and time again, but it still feels like exercise. I hope in year 26 it starts to feel more natural as I grow into this phase of my life where I stop trying to please others and live a life that's authentic. I want to surround myself with people who encourage me to live my life in a way that brings me joy and makes me grow. 

2. It's totally okay to look like a fool. This weekend I tried stand-up paddle boarding for the first time, which is hysterical, because I'm possibly the least-coordinated person on the planet. Not only that, I'm an excellent doggy-paddler but not really a swimmer. But I did it. I tried something with some good friends that I never would have tried otherwise, and it. was. fun. And also hilarious. Because I fell off not-so-gracefully, but I stood up, and that was half the battle. I generally don't like doing things if I know I won't be the best. I get frustrated at not being GREAT at things, and then I give them up because I don't want to look like a moron. This is a dumb way to live. I don't want to get to the end of my life and wish I had sung louder, played more racquetball, swum further, strummed the seven chords that I know on guitar more often... I want to say I tried it all. It would be a shame to say I was too much of a perfectionist to experience life to the fullest.

Here's to year 26. I feel like good things are on the way. I have both hands open, ready to grasp whatever life throws at me.

Stuff Audrey Loves: Independence Day Edition

pillows | ring | bunting | nail wrap | necklace | wreath